本來，好好寫著作業的。這年頭連半天的閒晃都成了奢侈，爸媽打來問我什麼時候要回家都無法，跟三四年沒見的同學約吃飯也不知道行不行，想好好唸書沒空，難得大學同學畢業後第一次約聖誕聚餐我也不敢說一定可以去，采蘋兒約吃飯我人不在新竹，學弟妹問我幾時要去社團我也不敢說，棚燈放在客廳架著了一個禮拜沒動就要再還人了，家聚也沒空去。我不知道我在幹嘛。
是啊是啊，我正在做著想做的事呢。而且這次很難得的、總算有那麼一次有人跟我一起弄，還是個聰明體貼又有趣的人，總是讓我感動，雖然我總是不領情的繼續熬夜拼作業但那也是因太想要快把時間空出來弄這個計畫。好多時候我覺得自己在兩個世界中跳躍，像是自己分離成了兩部份，一個自己是個正常的大學生，另一個自己好像是在做著什麼精彩的事的。數次起飛再跌落。在因為申請跟展覽忙到蹺課翹了兩整周後再度坐在課堂上那刻，聽著聽著總覺得我的耳朵是不是不對勁了，聲音是經過某個效果器出來的乾癟，而我的不存在感又更重、更重。是怎麼回事？
發愣了。
眼淚在眼眶裡轉啊轉的。我不想承認這是期末壓力加上臨時被告知必須在極短時間內做完某些事情的壓力導致的。這些我堅信絕不比大三七主科外加很無辜的當了出氣筒被虐待了一整個學期並且跟好朋友兼前男友生悶氣痛得要死不肯承認，結果還車禍半個學期走路膝蓋都會痛還來糟。可怎麼神經脆弱得不懈一擊，啪噠，斷掉打在牆上還有回聲。
畢業典禮那陣子已經哭過一回了。
我覺得我的問題就是我根本就是個完美主義工作狂，但又過度過度過度的重感情卻壓抑到只有很少的人知道，每次都在旁邊冷眼旁觀的看自己跟自己打架，每次打架都沒有勝負，只是我的親朋好友們人都太好了，跟我說「沒關係，你去吧！」，而那些工作總是太會要求。軟弱而不懂得拒絕人甚至會成為跟我一起做事的人的壓力，因為我總是逆來順受的接下了太多東西，害他們必須一起忙。
孟姊姊說我要學會任性。好難。真的好難。
那我可不可以任性的說開始寫程式的時候我不要住到台北因為我在台北會做惡夢！
可以嗎？
Monday, December 22, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
熬夜
一夜未睡，因為想盡快把Verilog作業寫好。怪的是清醒的同時周圍空氣竟熟悉得令人不敢置信，就好像這個時空與深藏在記憶中的某個日子瞬間連結在一塊，卻也沒熟悉到足以辨識它究竟是哪年哪月哪日的再現。而我滿腦子的想要把它用疊層藻比喻，過去的一天是一層藻，疊啊疊的就疊成了過去未來緊密交錯卻又依稀可見分隔的立體結構，隨著時間將它用力擠壓如同疊層藻化石在地層中被擠壓之後，就全糊成一團了。但是屬於那段時間的所有元素仍然都在，並構成了現今的自我，一天天的越來越緊實。
直到有一天，在歷史地層中鑲嵌得無法動彈。
直到有一天，在歷史地層中鑲嵌得無法動彈。
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
我要放假... 跟休息
晚上走在樓梯上就想，好像該逃走個一兩天，不然這樣下去我應該又是無止境的抱怨抱怨抱怨。還蠻討厭自己在很累的時候總是進入這種狀況的。再這樣下去就要造成別人困擾了，這樣太對不起跟我一起合作的人。
心情不好的感覺，就像是太久沒喝水，嘴巴有種環繞不散的苦澀，就算是吃了很多好吃的、跟可愛的人們做有趣的事，也還是無法消去那就像持續背景噪音般的煩躁。其實自己是很明白自己有這方面的問題，也許不至於像某些人失去行為能力，只是會用極度的任性假裝認真卻無效率而漫無目的的閒晃並且問很多不夠有建設性的問題。簡言之：就是想搗亂。而這會變成一個黑洞，把周圍的人們一起吸下去。我不想這樣。
還是深呼吸吧！再撐一下，然後，偷偷玩兩天，再回來。嗯。
心情不好的感覺，就像是太久沒喝水，嘴巴有種環繞不散的苦澀，就算是吃了很多好吃的、跟可愛的人們做有趣的事，也還是無法消去那就像持續背景噪音般的煩躁。其實自己是很明白自己有這方面的問題，也許不至於像某些人失去行為能力，只是會用極度的任性假裝認真卻無效率而漫無目的的閒晃並且問很多不夠有建設性的問題。簡言之：就是想搗亂。而這會變成一個黑洞，把周圍的人們一起吸下去。我不想這樣。
還是深呼吸吧！再撐一下，然後，偷偷玩兩天，再回來。嗯。
Friday, December 12, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
This time I'm going to write in English.
Because this article must be readable to my dear friends from TQ.
I had some talks with Sigit recently. It reminds me of the good old times of TQ. It is not just because of the competition that makes us reminiscent, it is because TQ is NOT JUST A COMPETITION. How much it had affected me, I realized only recently when writing my SOP. We had dreams, big dreams. We are workaholics, idealists, and overly ambitious workaholics as Sigit puts it.
There were no limitations in our mind. We wanted to make things superb out of pure curiosity. Work by trial-and-error. Find a valuable question, and solve it with all one can. Need to make something but don't have the ability? Just learn it. Work with full strength, non-stop.
We also had a strong believe of making the world better. We even wanted to run an international competition when TQ was taken over by Oracle and the rules were changed, favoring local teams instead of international teams.
Yes, international is important. This is one thing I learned through TQ. Contacts with other cultures makes one more aware of ones own culture. I get to develop a value standard somewhat different from my parents and even my peers. But I believe it is good.
Oh how wonderful it sounds, you must think. Yes, it is wonderful. And I find myself unconsciously implement the concerns we had that were motivated by TQ into my own life. To be creative, to have ones own thinking, to learn without boundaries, to make the world become a world without boundaries, to make things friendly, to make knowledge available to everyone.
And for people like me and Sigit who are from those not-so-developed countries. (Yes, Taiwan is one of them, if we still have this silly post-colony way of thinking. We don't have enough self-confidence.) Another thing that is important for us is that we find ourselves standing on the same position with other students from developed countries. To me, the credit goes to dear Kim. It is Kim who guided me and make me believe in myself, to gain confidence.
It also showed me how big the world is, and how amazing people can be. This credit goes to dear Jaen. He has done so many remarkable things. His depth of thinking amazes me all the time. Others also contribute to this. But I don't think I am going to list every one of them here.
And it contributes to my taste of art as well. Sigit affects me a lot. I guess there is no better way to learn other than cooperation. I have learned a lot from seeing how my teammates implement things. It broadens my thinking.
Mostly, I love the brainstorming. First go with some really crazy ideas, then evaluate.
I think it was the happiest and busiest time of my life, the years that I've been working on TQ. I was always looking forward to the deadline, that when I looked back, there was no regret, but a big "wow".
And it makes me want to do something like the founder of TQ, Al Weis, to provide this wonderful possibility to others. Because I am damn optimistic, and I want to share, I want more kids to have a chance like this.
I want the world to be a wonderful world.
I had some talks with Sigit recently. It reminds me of the good old times of TQ. It is not just because of the competition that makes us reminiscent, it is because TQ is NOT JUST A COMPETITION. How much it had affected me, I realized only recently when writing my SOP. We had dreams, big dreams. We are workaholics, idealists, and overly ambitious workaholics as Sigit puts it.
There were no limitations in our mind. We wanted to make things superb out of pure curiosity. Work by trial-and-error. Find a valuable question, and solve it with all one can. Need to make something but don't have the ability? Just learn it. Work with full strength, non-stop.
We also had a strong believe of making the world better. We even wanted to run an international competition when TQ was taken over by Oracle and the rules were changed, favoring local teams instead of international teams.
Yes, international is important. This is one thing I learned through TQ. Contacts with other cultures makes one more aware of ones own culture. I get to develop a value standard somewhat different from my parents and even my peers. But I believe it is good.
Oh how wonderful it sounds, you must think. Yes, it is wonderful. And I find myself unconsciously implement the concerns we had that were motivated by TQ into my own life. To be creative, to have ones own thinking, to learn without boundaries, to make the world become a world without boundaries, to make things friendly, to make knowledge available to everyone.
And for people like me and Sigit who are from those not-so-developed countries. (Yes, Taiwan is one of them, if we still have this silly post-colony way of thinking. We don't have enough self-confidence.) Another thing that is important for us is that we find ourselves standing on the same position with other students from developed countries. To me, the credit goes to dear Kim. It is Kim who guided me and make me believe in myself, to gain confidence.
It also showed me how big the world is, and how amazing people can be. This credit goes to dear Jaen. He has done so many remarkable things. His depth of thinking amazes me all the time. Others also contribute to this. But I don't think I am going to list every one of them here.
And it contributes to my taste of art as well. Sigit affects me a lot. I guess there is no better way to learn other than cooperation. I have learned a lot from seeing how my teammates implement things. It broadens my thinking.
Mostly, I love the brainstorming. First go with some really crazy ideas, then evaluate.
I think it was the happiest and busiest time of my life, the years that I've been working on TQ. I was always looking forward to the deadline, that when I looked back, there was no regret, but a big "wow".
And it makes me want to do something like the founder of TQ, Al Weis, to provide this wonderful possibility to others. Because I am damn optimistic, and I want to share, I want more kids to have a chance like this.
I want the world to be a wonderful world.
Labels:
thinkquest
Monday, December 8, 2008
UCLA....
雖然聽說很不錯，可是想到會離大伯伯很近，他們家又三個UCLA畢業的，我就不想申請。
你們今年再不回來過年，我真的就連最後想說話的一點力氣都沒有了。
想到過年就煩，乾脆不要過好了。
華人小孩連中文都不會說是怎樣。
你們今年再不回來過年，我真的就連最後想說話的一點力氣都沒有了。
想到過年就煩，乾脆不要過好了。
華人小孩連中文都不會說是怎樣。
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Color consistency
今天從睡醒到現在（四個小時）都在搞一個稱作"color consistency"的問題... 天哪，每次遇到做網頁就變得無限龜毛，但事實上是東西也不怎麼樣。（繼續龜毛嘛～一個一個pixel調啊...）
可是看了四個小時我還是搞不懂。
問題是從Photoshop看起來跟用save for web & devices儲存之後的顏色有些微差距開始。本來想忽略，後來覺得實在無法忍受。看了好久的技術文件...到現在還沒解決！
UPDATE: 在做過色彩校正到 2.2 Gamma D65 6500以後總算好了...
但是我比較喜歡mac預設的顏色 @@
可是看了四個小時我還是搞不懂。
問題是從Photoshop看起來跟用save for web & devices儲存之後的顏色有些微差距開始。本來想忽略，後來覺得實在無法忍受。看了好久的技術文件...到現在還沒解決！
UPDATE: 在做過色彩校正到 2.2 Gamma D65 6500以後總算好了...
但是我比較喜歡mac預設的顏色 @@
Friday, December 5, 2008
怎麼都是P?!
剛剛，不，現在，正在想要怎麼把作品分類。就想說，好吧，先打出來。結果...
- Photography
- Performance Art
- Processing
- Postcards, Posters
- Programming
- Web Design
- Graphics (Oh, do I really have?)
- Mix Media
- Etc.
- And my name start with "P"...
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