Hyper.

It is fun to talk about the good old times, to feel the ghost of the wonderful atmosphere once more. It reminds me of the excitement, the ambition, and the underlying driving force of my youth that I have nearly forgotten. I have realized it is already the past, and I know what I am still searching for, whether subconsciously or intentionally. Maybe I should retain the key of this force in order to defeat the now-dominating-laziness and to regain vitality. Yes, now I am looking forward to the morrow. :)

Late night brings surprises

Thanks to Khanim, I opened the y! messenger. To my surprises, Sigit was online. He don't use MSN now, no wonder I haven't seen him online for more than six months! And Vlad was there too. Consider last time we talked was back in 2001 on TQ teammaker. Haha! It feels so great to find old friends back into contact. Thank you Khanim. :) *Hugs*

P.S. Khanim invites me to Azerbaijan. Sigit wonders when we will eventually meet. Guess I better get a job that can travel the world so I could meet them all? Haha.

Newest list for must visits:
Russia (Ira), Azerbaijan (Khanim), Indonesia (Sigit), Estonia (Jaen), Canada (Kim), Romania (Vlad), Egypt (Moh), China (Ninger), India (Ashutosh)

Oh, I am getting hyper. LOL!

Troubled

The doctor asked whether I sleep well at night. No, actually, the doctor say I must be not sleeping well at night. Yes, indeed. There are so many things trouble my mind that I would rather not talk about. Time is short, and I remain as a wonderer. There is nothing worse than self-discontentment, but that's how I feel about myself. Really.


When in TsingHua, I thought I would feel better at home. Now I am home, but no. I only appear happier, but I sleep worse. There are certain things that never leave me alone, they keep coming back in my dreams. I don't know what these things are, except they all give me a gloomy sensation. Like tiny puppets yelling and jumping against dark background. There is no rest, no peace.


So I like late nights...

Wonderful Memories in DROK

It all begins from my mistakenly thought the "Nick" from my ICQ list was the Russian I met in TQLive. Well, it turned out this "Nick" is not Nick from Rostov-on-Don but Kalya from Moscow, whom I didn't really met in-person in the DROK summer camp back in 2002. Okay, it's my problem that I forgot he was ever on my ICQ list. Really, my mistake. He has been on the list for four years and I didn't really have a chat with him. Okay, he didn't come online often back then, but... Oh well!


Anyway, he told me that DROK was closed in 2003, sadly. Oh, it was such a wonderful camp! With wooden houses in the forest, and lots happy kids with disability that you couldn't even tell they are anything different from "normal" people because happiness makes them look so healthy, and so friendly. Hehe, just thinking of how interesting that I used to have corresponding with the students there who volunteer to help and run the camp. The beautiful Natalia, and cute Pasha, who couldn't write English but German. Haha.


Oh, it was such a wonderful memory. I know I can write much more about it, but I had to leave from grandparent's now. Will finish this later. :)

啊...

物化危機真是打亂計畫的壞東西...
好啦,其實蠻錯愕期末成績怎麼會那樣
比預估的低了20分耶... 這樣我就過了說...
Nevermind... 希望怡伊可以幫忙要到一些分數,讓我過

真是的,這些過不過的東西真是讓人討厭
老實說,我不覺得對於這學期的物化跟上學期的生化(成績好很多)比起來學到最後留下來的差多少
這樣是不是我的生化應該也被當呢? (因為沒有東西剩下來啊?!)

所以,我們的大學成績決定於考試的當下,以及是否恰巧唸的方向跟老師相同
當我們的生命持續前進時,評論我們的卻是那一張紙與幾個數字
對於不熟稔的人們來說,他們看到的我們是坐在椅子上回答罐頭問題的片刻的總合
其他時候都是鬼魂,摸不著看不到,只隱隱有個影子在那
於是他們說:「可我看你成績表現並不好啊！能耐不夠吧？呵？」
是啊,這小孩的表現恰巧是正弦波,固定取樣時間恰好是波谷嘛！

要是考試真的能測出能力,而考過的都不會忘就好了...

緊張緊張....

今天盡在緊張氣氛中度過,只有下午算是輕鬆快樂吧...
說要回雄女,從坐上公車那刻開始緊張,高中每天的情緒跟壓力又回來了
在四千金等要帶給學妹的飲料,緊張,而且被認出是雄女畢業生要回去看學妹
(今天被不相干人士兩度認出是畢業生...)
進門,新警衛,很怕又跟上次那個機車警衛一樣不讓我們進去
還好,他笑笑就讓我們換證了 (是因為我跟潘庭看起來太乖嗎？還是這警衛真的比較好？)
在數學辦公室瞥到聰爹背影,正在幫學生解數學題
偷溜到他後面等了大概十幾分鐘他才發現(當然也是不斷緊張囉!)
又等了很久(辛苦的老師有解不完的數學題啊!)決定先去其他辦公室晃晃
遇到依然美麗的靜誼老師,還是緊張 :P (喔,我面對美女老師會緊張...)
被他消遣說變黑了,哈哈! (變黑是好事 *點頭*)
哈拉一陣又跑去找學妹
沒跟學妹約好,小學妹跟小小學妹都不在學校 *淚*
最後只好去找從來沒見過面的小小小學妹 (差五屆耶,天哪!)
見到面當然是緊張得語無倫次,動作不協調 (她一定覺得我很沒形象又很奇怪... *嘆*)
跟聰爹聊了很久很久,花了很大的功夫才讓自己停止緊張 (嗯,我知道聰爹不會吃人...)
老師給的忠告是"要小心啊!時間過得很快!"
呵呵,咱們的清大第五屆畢業學長要退休了!
我也從雄女畢業兩年了耶...聽說數學辦公室幾乎大翻新,只剩幾位當初的數學老師了 (三年退了11位老師)
好快啊!

在自然科辦公室遇到蔡宗賢老師 (喔喔~~他胖了!) (不過看起來很沒血色... @@)
還遇到目前仍在優良教師競選階段的邱崑山老師 (呵!老師祝您得獎) (這獎邱老師不得還有誰可以拿啊!)
沒看到黃昆輝老師,唉
還有胡老師的桌子似乎是空著的... (還是別提了吧... >"<)
讓蔡宗賢老師問到以前科展老師我也不敢說什麼,只點頭說"對對對,邱老師是我的指導老師...還有另外一位老師..."
唉,為什麼那張桌子要空下來!

然後離開的時候我又因為邊講手機,太緊張,走進地下室 (完全笨掉!)
很好,雄女真是個讓人緊張的地方!
回去真是需要勇氣,唉!

下午頗愉快,跟RedHerring聊了很久,還說了不少八卦 (哇哈哈)
跑去電影圖書館看了憂傷的俄羅斯動畫大選 (很棒,真的!)
心情很不錯的回家,然後...

一上生科BBS就看到生物化助教說成績出來了,請班代轉寄
害我緊張到現在...
我不要重修啊! >"<
結果就緊張到現在...很好...
李金門你快上線看信箱啊啊啊啊!
(早死早超生...不要吊胃口...)

(P.S. Finnish runic songs真是消除緊張好秘方...我現在只能聽Värttinä克制緊張...)

最後一晚

這就是最後一晚... 是的... 只有我，孤孤單單，在這。
我想那距離還是不太可能。好遠，你們。
靈魂們，囚禁在小小空間，所以靠近。
交會，在此漸遠。
若不要我不信不信一切將會如故，
又怎知轉頭的剎那沒有一堵冰冷的牆？

我不想不想要結束這般焦躁。
這結局殘破，不要。

圖書館...

走過一排排書架
數學 物理 天文 好多好多書
書裡以人類創造的溝通符號來描述這個世界
彷彿這些文字超越生命與時間的活著
同大魔域中的生物般呼喚著逐漸接近的腳步聲
"快跟我來！讓你看看這個世界！"
也許我們的世界和Matrix皆由另一種形式的符號組成　另一種形式的語言
掌握了它，便能輕鬆抓起這些符號
和它們來段現代舞
配上Einstein on the Beach音樂

喔，有種衝動想把那些書都啃完
味道應該不錯

H2G2

如果有人發明了可以回答生命意義的機器,又決定把它拿來賺錢,一定大賣。
只不過在這部機器發明前,我相信答案是"42"。


You don't need to build an earth to answer this.


Why 42? Because...
It is as simple as the expected answer.
There is no better answer than this.
Language is useless.

換版面了

想試試看心情能不能讓顏色帶好點
找了好久,找不到喜歡的
無奈我懶,懶得自己改,懶得把所有東西放到ca3rine.free.fr
就勉強這樣吧!
感覺早過了那種在網頁上放一堆不知所云圖片的年紀

"哎呀!這個杯子好漂亮,我要放在網頁上!"
所以呢?
"喔喔!這個設計好炫!我要用!"
所以呢?

逐漸把網頁當成表達的工具
是的,我在害怕些什麼
以致於我必須拐彎抹角的這樣說

任何與藝術相關的東西不太應該單單只是好看吧

．．．卻讓我時常痛恨自己作品是那麼．．．貧乏．．．

就跟"你跟同學們平常聊些什麼"的答案一樣
發現自己不過是螺絲釘與齒輪的集合，忘了上油

是啊．．．

偷閒偷過頭...

懶，什麼事都不想做
一個禮拜翹九節課，放八節課
靈魂出竅七節課
二十六學分三十二節課

我不在　不在

唉

想念家裡每個黑暗角落
有多久寢室總是亮著燈了？
從早上六點一直亮到凌晨四點
想念可以隨意睡到幾點的日子
而不用每天被叫不醒主人的鬧鐘吵醒
（然後那傢伙起來以後還擺臭臉！我不想當專職鬧鐘啊！Orz）


心情不好，想回家
回不了家，家裡沒人．．．

很想....

像小時候那樣，從比自己身高高一倍的地方　跳下
安全的降落在塌塌米上　不痛不痛
然後，在重劃區飆腳踏車　兩手放空
順便帶隻蚱蜢回家．．．

心態調整

必須喜歡我所選擇的，而不受外界影響
因為，總有一天這所有所有將會完美的融為一體

All I need is faith and a happy mind, with friends.


把情緒投射在週遭的人事物上已經夠糟糕了
而我就這麼糟糕了一整個學期

Must stop.


其實沒那麼難...

難過什麼啊.........>"<

現在真的很難過很難過．．．
我不懂為什麼這情緒會那麼強烈
可是只要想到大家接下來就要住得好遠好遠
可能很久都碰不到面
而我們也不可能再在神秘的十字路口呼朋引伴看星星
儘管這學期大家都住學校,也沒這麼做過
可是,還是好難過
好像就這樣畢業了一樣
然後我會很久很久都看不到那些說近不近說遠不遠的同學們
這學期交集也不多呀！我在難過什麼呢？

總之就是非常難過．．．
沒來由的難過．．．


而且我怕換環境．．．

時間不夠用...

好多書想看
好多東西想學
好多事情想思考

看了書卻沒了時間
沒了時間便沒了思考
沒了思考便什麼都沒學到

recursive dilemma

I need a real rest.

衝突....

　　當人總算能光明正大說自己想說的話，有自己主見的同時，就越來越不能接受那所有強迫別人複製與複製別人的人。腸胃逐漸產生排斥，對諂媚奉承排斥，當這類字詞被吞入肚中時，全身便要痙攣，直到所有不潔以污穢的形式排淨。也許這能力與生俱來，經多年壓抑後終獲解放，已沒任何力量能再度壓抑它。因此，別要求我克制。

　　如果社會學只容許一言堂，那社會學便失去了它的生命來源。

　　科幻概論果然不能跟介面資訊設計同時上。

　　我想我不太喜歡介面資訊設計這堂課。

hmm

It is,
Three o'clock in the morning,
My throat is burning,
The body didn't even bother to tell me
She is hungry.

While my logic loudly protests,
"Sleep and food, you need!"
The body still ignores me.

My brain and my heart had segregated.

Defamiliarization

那天上戲劇課,老師提到Shklovsky提出的defimiliarization手法在文學上的使用

Defamiliarization
Defamiliarization or ostranenie is the artistic technique of forcing the audience to see common things in an unfamiliar or strange way, in order to enhance perception of the familiar. A basic satirical tactic, it is a central concept of 20th century art, ranging over movements including Dada, postmodernism, epic theatre, and science fiction. A fine example is Pepe le Pew's phrase "My sweet peanut of brittle".

Defamiliarization
A term used by the Russian Formalist Viktor Shklovsky to describe the capacity of art to counter the deadening effect of habit and convention by investing the familiar with strangeness and thereby deautomatizing perception. Defamiliarization is not simply a question of perception; it is the essence of "literariness." Calling attention to its techniques and conventions ("baring the device"), literature exposes its autonomy and artificiality by foregrounding and defamiliarizing its devices

讓人不禁想到，攝影是不是很多時候都在使用這種手法呢？查了一下發現似乎真的是從文學裡借來的耶？！

From the early 1960s to the mid-1980s, John Szarkowski, Director of the Department of Photography at the Museum of Modern Art in New York, applied Formalist ideas to the study of photography. Szarkowski was addressing a pivotal question: How can the photograph be an aesthetic expression when it is found in so many different contexts and used for so many different (often non-artistic) purposes? Szarkowski's response was to isolate the image within the art museum and limit discussion of the work to an appreciation of its formal qualities, in order to emphasize the work of art in and of itself. As he stated in reference to his 1963 show The Photographer and the American Landscape: “The landscape is considered not as scenery, natural history, or economics, but solely as a subject for picture taking.” The subject matter of the photograph was important only as it contributed to the balanced relationship of elements within the frame. A change in form was a change in content as, for Szarkowski, form and content were one.

http://www.textetc.com/theory/formalists.html
http://digitalphotography.weblogsinc.com/2006/01/25/strange-bedfellows-drawing-and-photography/
http://cmcp.gallery.ca/english/exhibitions/2002/02-6.jsp


等細生實驗報告寫完再來查 Orz (我討厭這種強迫性的報告...)

最近一陣子要感謝的人

嗯．．．不知道為什麼突然想要來寫這篇，可能是想把近來想的東西做個總結吧！
(呵~~我想到誰就寫誰唷~~沒有順序的)

謝謝特別的學長謝明峰，他說＂物理雙主修不是80分以上就可以的＂
我知道他說這句話背後的意義，雖然分數不重要，但是對於知識來說，它是活用的象徵
必須像他一樣，一切了然於胸
我想，機運會讓我遇到他那麼多次想必真的很特殊吧！
來清華是為什麼呢？我想他很清楚，我想我也開始慢慢的看到了吧！

謝謝欣居一再的提醒要努力追求夢想，把觸角伸得很長很長

謝謝巧倫學姐告訴我有哪些好玩的路可以走

謝謝Jaen總是早我一步尋找生命的意義，總是提醒我這世界有多麼廣，以及分享單純學習的喜悅，和過去幾年來的共同成長

謝謝老麥，很多很多，尤其是分享對有趣事物的熱情

謝謝庚道　肇維　小明在資料結構課上的交流，與這小小一堂課引出來的巨大回響，這是學習中很珍貴的一部分

謝謝琬之讓我發現許多奇妙的事情，也對自己有進一步的認識

謝謝偉芃總是在我旁邊 ^^ 你是溫馨的存在，應該是因為你我才沒有陷入無限憂鬱迴圈吧！

謝謝Ashutosh與那總是充滿哲理的對話

謝謝扁扁讓我看到一個人可以做多少事 ^^

謝謝小貝的好媽媽角色，以及你製造的快樂

謝謝庭安讓我知道什麼是對生科的喜愛

謝謝子揚讓我知道怎麼不受別人影響，走自己的路

謝謝Ira不斷燃起我對事物的熱情，以及不同文化的思維

謝謝Kim加強了我的信心

還有很多很多人，謝謝
(像是卓穎呀，你沒有自己的一行只是因為我詞窮了！謝謝唷！ ^^)


害羞時間結束囉！ ^^
大家記得不要在我面前提到這個唷！我會害羞的！呵呵～

該是時候了...

忘掉那黑暗的記憶吧．．．

該是你回來的時候了！

跳針的聲音與叩叩的高跟鞋，會是這陰影唯一的遺跡

回來吧！

大雨 陰天 三角鋼琴

窗外唏哩哩的下著大雨，房間內瀰漫著濃濃的水氣與牆壁漏水打在水面上的聲音．．．

"這是中國五聲音階..."

三角鋼琴黏稠的唱出濕氣略重的旋律．．．

"巴爾托克收集了各國的民族音樂，再放到他的作品裡面成為裡面的主要元素..."
"其中包括中國民謠..."

嗯，我還記得，我還記得那種氣味哪種溫度那種溼度與那些聲音．．．

以及冰冷地板上厚厚的樂理與瘋狂的節奏．．．

單純的滿足。

民族音樂?!

　　這一切是怎麼來著？

　　對了，都是我突然興起在系上FTP裡看到新格唱片出版、絕版多年的金韻獎專輯並連續聽了好幾首歌後，發現我小時候總是偏好民族音樂，從各種傳統器樂曲到聽了不下上百遍的八千里路雲和月，還有那一本本中國民謠曲集，一直到小四第一次聽到Bartok的匈牙利民歌，漸漸的開始接觸歐洲民族音樂，難怪現在桌上滿滿的CD超過70%都是民族音樂。

　　一直很好奇，人到底是怎麼開始喜歡某種東西的？是很自然而然的抑或是參著複雜情感？是因為最熟悉嗎？但又是什麼讓一個人覺得熟悉呢？童年嗎？如果打從有記憶來就覺得這種東西最親切呢？到底是為什麼？

　　機緣吧，這幾天反覆的發覺自己跟身邊的人小時候接觸的東西很不一樣。從小看的是中國民間故事、中國神話，最感動的連載小說是大陸作家寫的，聽的是中國民族音樂，最喜歡的書是西遊記，問我台灣這地方的音樂與故事倒是一問三不知，真不知道我是哪個年代地區的。有時候覺得我活在爸媽那年代，時時惦念著海峽的另一端，那個中國文化曾經蓬勃發展的地方，但卻沒他們那種反共情懷；有時又覺得對我來說國家就是大陸那塊地方，有著各種語言風俗的人們，但跟活在大陸這土地上的人又不大一樣，我的年代正巧是他們文革抹掉的那段時間。所有老台灣的事物對我只是外國文化一般的不熟悉，抓不到共鳴，儘管我嘗試去接觸過。我不喜歡日治時代與日治時代遺留下來的那些遺跡，黑瓦厝紅瓦厝是一樣的陌生；儘管爸爸那邊講的是台語，台語對我來說僅僅只是一種聽得懂卻搞不清楚發音的語言；而台語老歌本就不屬於我的年代，更惘論裡面可能帶有的家鄉感。

　　這一切到底是怎麼造成的呢？是因為我小時候住在金門嗎？可是本質上我又不算是個金門人，金門早已不再是我熟悉的那個地方，闊別了十五年，我有的只是朦朧的記憶。或許本質上金門話比起台語要親切許多，我卻沒有金門小孩對金門的那種熟悉感。我不知道哪條路可以通向哪，我不知道哪個村莊有什麼。對我，家鄉是什麼？可能就只有山外那棟老房子與書中我自以為是家鄉的東西吧！那棟混雜著古老中國氣味，用花崗岩與上好瓦片蓋出來的房子，牆上有著差點因為國軍進駐金門而被毀掉的壁畫與精緻的瓷磚，和一股淡淡的線香味。也就僅僅如此。

　　那思想上呢？好像也不屬於任何地方。我沒有台灣的土根性，沒有老中國的保守觀念，也跟現在的大陸人不同。曾經有人說過我很像外國小孩，但我又不像是任何國家的人，我完全不受基督教思想影響，也不受回教思想影響，或許有那麼一點佛教思想吧，卻又不盡然。超出地圖上那海棠之外的東西對我仍然非常陌生，我不是外國人。

　　很多時候我像是拼湊出來的人一樣，有那麼小小一部分屬於某個地方，卻又不完全是。很多時候我甚至會遺忘自己的某一部分，完全沉浸到一種文化中，吸收一部分後跳出來，進到另一種文化中，再跳出來，不斷的重複，好像一隻滿是clone的細菌，不屬於哪種類別；就像是個外星人一樣，旅居地球找不到一個家，因為沒有任何地方是我的家。只有在聽各地民族音樂的時候，某個看起來好像是家鄉的景象會朦朧的出現在腦海中。

　　會不會就是這種找不到家鄉的鄉愁讓我那麼喜歡民族音樂呢？我不知道．．．或許我注定永遠找不到回家的路吧！但我還是會無法自拔的尋找下去的。

Limited

We are so limited here.
Not knowing what the world is going on.
Enclosed in the shell.
Isolated.
No resource, no liberation.
Unaware of the shining souls out there.

Like a ghost in a shell.
Trapped in oneself.

生科系畢業生的條件?

剛剛跟曉翠聊到必修學分
算一算，除了這學期，必修也只剩生物化三、分細生二＆三、遺傳、書報討論、實驗這幾科了嘛！
難道，這就是做為生科系畢業生的條件嗎？
為什麼書總是唸不完，卻又覺得自己沒多會了多少？
生科系畢業，是不是也只能做到 "can explain quite thothroughly what is happening in the tiny cell?"
思考方式與創意呢？
總覺得少了點什麼．．．

Dates to be memorized.

June 11, 2005, I died.
March 6, 2006, I reborn.

*smile*

The Olympic Bronze

Thursday night, I slept before the start of Women Figure Skating event, praying for Irina Slutskaya. Wishing she will skate as good as 2005 Worlds.

Friday morning, the video showed Irina in red. Heavy steps, she looked stressed. Nervously the music began.

Then she fell, on the triple lutz. Arakawa won the gold.

I saw she stepped down the kiss&cry corner with sorrow, sorrow for one single jump which she landed perfectly in practice, but this particular competition.

Then it came the award ceremony. Hurtfully she turned away when Cohen received the silver medal. She stared at the gold medal with a thousand thought in mind when Samaranch present it to Arakawa. She did not cry, but everyone could see the tears in her heart. One jump, only one jump, that could have make her remembered by the history.

However, it was Janpanese national anthem that played, not Russian.

She coughed on the podium. She was illed, and tired. Vasculitis has gotten her.

And then it was the Gala. She was saying good-bye. A sad good-bye.

I wish I could freeze the moment before her long program start. Give her another chance to be ready. Give her full health. For this wonderful lady to skate a skate that can represent her whole career instead of this under average performance. If the Olympics is the competition for the best skater, then she would be the champion. The only one who can compare with her is Michelle Kwan. But Kwan was not there. Irina deserve the recognition of Olympics, which most people only judge by the color of the medal. But she is the six times European champion. Will people remember her?

There is never an athelet I care about so much. So strange, I thought hooked on an athelet is silly, but I am so much hooked on her that it hurts me too when seeing her on the podium. The emotion affected me.

Maybe the medal around her neck is bronze. She is forever the champion in my heart. The rink would be dull without her. Wish you all the best, Irina Slutskaya. Maybe in this universe you did not receive the gold, you still have opened the door to the summer in another universe. Happy retiring and good health!

禁錮

高雄，早春，28度C
微熱而有艷陽
三級風南南東

我想我會永遠被這氣溫與味道禁錮著

落差!?

好好笑喔....
物理原理唸一唸+可愛的扁扁攝影課名詞都用英文
平常看的都是英文書
導致我完全聽不懂一些在玩攝影的朋友的語言 @@

真好笑....
中文明明就是母語呀！怎麼聽不懂呢？
糟糕了，哎！

There's a huge gap between my english brain and chinese brain.
They just cannot connect.
Neither am I good in these languages.

Argh! Funny... ironically.

BOOM!

我不想在手腕上劃破血管
我只想用無形的刀在我的意識體上深深的切下...
只留薄薄的一層皮...連著...
成為一分為二的最後隔閡
然後
高溫加熱裂解成碎片
漂浮在太空中
讓身體分子乘著太陽風回家...
在寒冷的真空中用輻射維持最後的體溫

Being myself

Yes, I should learn to deal with my emotions MYSELF.
Do not disturb the others...
Because
Some refuse to listen
Some I want them to keep happy.
Not a word to discribe, for me.

Blue, it comes
It goes.

Sometimes I hope time would stop right away... right away.
Freeze, forever.
Let me enjoy my loneliness and my depression.
Forlornly Forever.